Permission
“Mothers are all slightly insane.”
― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
*****
First there is the sigh, then, “Why are you doing that to yourself, Babe?” His voice drifts toward me from the other side of the king size bed jabbing at my bubble. Just a slight whiff of exasperation trails along behind his words. I wondered what he is talking about? Doing what? I blink a few times, sharpening focus. He has cracked the shell leaving me no choice but to look at what is exposed. Oh God… it’s me, a curled up feverish child tangled in the rumpled duvet, clothes unchanged and musty, hair unbrushed, breath of the morning though it is night. I have been here for hours, for days, for months sobbing quietly, or not so quietly, with a book in my hands and an unending stream of hot, fat tears rolling sideways across my nose onto the damp pillow.
I am reading “The Catcher in the Rye.” Well, trying to. Swimming in it is more like it. The quirky words, that gorgeous dialogue and the vivid scenes it creates scrape my heart raw but somehow this etching and scouring feels … right. It’s a good kind of pain, like the sore muscles in your back after a day of gardening in the Spring. It feels right to me anyway. As right as a table with three legs can feel. I am desperate to spend time with any Holden I can find.
My husband suspects I am asking for trouble. A person who would intentionally subject herself to this kind of torture is probably destined for another trip or two to the shrink’s deep green sofa with it’s never ending box of tissues at the ready. It’s kind of worth it though. To feel the closeness of that personality. And…I could be cracking up. Oh, is that all? Who cares? That doesn’t scare me a bit.
The last time I read The Catcher in the Rye I was pregnant … the first time. Twenty two years ago in a one bedroom apartment on a busy four lane road. I remember lying under a quilt then too. I had sewed it with my own mother from bright scraps of fabric we had found at a garage sale. This was our gold panning. Searching for nuggets to build a warm home for my own new family without spending too much. She showed me how to stitch the pattern and I caught on fast. Patches of woven colour all anchored in black. A checker board of square easter eggs. I was so pregnant I could hardly breath reclined like that. Had to wedge pillows here and there under belly and back to keep from suffocating. Breathing is hard now too.
A close friend who was a punk rocker in college and had later become a high school literature teacher sent the paperback copy over as a gift when she heard we were planning to name our baby boy Holden. Maybe she sent it as a warning flare. A shot across the bow. A cautionary tale. I see that now of course. Now that it doesn’t matter.
Our story was supposed to be an joyful one. Our son would be called Holden after his Grandmother, on his father’s side; Doreen “Dodie” Holden. Dodie had been a boisterous night club singer and elegant dancer in the hay day of Elvis. This was the clean-cut wholesome era of the Mickey Mouse Club and the cinched waste skirt suit with matching hat. Miss Holden’s razor sharp wit, sailor’s tongue and zesty laugh ensured she was always the north star in the room. She was loved by all and cherished by her five children. She was an irresistible force of a woman so his name was not supposed to be tragic. It was meant to be a salute.
I was propped up in bed then too. A paperback copy just like this one balanced on the tailbone of it’s spine at the crest of my enormous pregnant stomach. A flag on a mountain top. While reading and rereading some of the more agonizing passages, I distinctly remember thinking that maybe choosing the name Holden was a mistake. It weighed too much. After all, anyone who had read the book, which was basically anyone who had been to high school, couldn’t help but instantly envision a hopelessly delusional teenager in a hunting cap when they first encountered our newer, brighter version. The kid in the book was just too sad and confused. Loveable, smart, charming and funny sure, but mentally unhinging and pretty much oblivious about that. Perhaps hanging the Holden tag around his neck was unfair? Too complex and dark. He was just a baby after all. Shit, he wasn’t even born yet. But we were young, full of love and way too optimistic. We were bulletproof.
For a while I thought maybe we should choose something trendy like Tyler or Joshua. I even tried Elliot on for size, calling to an invisible child in the next room. “Elliot, it’s time for dinner!” But there was no ring to it. His name would be Holden. Looking back now, I’m not sure why all three of our child’s names ended up originating from his father’s side of the family. Not one from mine. I was easily swayed in those days and possibly drunk on fluffy pink pregnancy hormones.
So here I am, a few months after the death of my Holden, compelled to read The Catcher in the Rye, again. I have no idea why. Maybe it’s because grief makes a person crazy. The novel arrives in my hands one day and I begin. Seeing the letters of his name embossed on the page makes my heart lurch and bellow. Oh how I love the anguish filled, deeply flawed, young Holden Caulfield. I love his quirky, conflicted way of speaking and the fact that he often talks inappropriately loudly. I am fond of his way of insulting girls without noticing, of spending too much money on strangers and walking around all night, soaking wet, in the cold of winter. I understand him completely now. Finally. I could fix him in ten minutes. Just give me the chance. I want to hold his hand while he tries not to make his way home to his rich, detached parents after being kicked out of boarding school. Again. I want to help him face the disgrace and disappointment. I want to make him a sandwich and give him a warm bed.
Taking a cab or booking into a cheap hotel with JD Salinger feels like spending some time with my son. It doesn’t seem crazy to me at all. “I don’t know.” I whisper across the light grey duvet in the direction of my husband, and I chuck the book like a frisbee onto the floor. “I don’t know why I do anything any more.” I release a sigh of my own. The library paperback skids and spins on the hardwood then wedges up against the wall in the corner. It is almost touching the precarious stack of books I just unpacked from a box in the basement . A box marked in dark black marker “Holden – BOOKS – take these when you move out.” When we packed them up together Holden had drawn a funny little smiley face on the box giving me the thumbs up. Kerouac, Hemingway, Burrows, Wolfe, Hunter S Thompson – – the reading list of the disillusioned.
I have been struggling with the idea of writing Holden’s story. Of revealing parts of him that perhaps he wouldn’t want revealed. Shit, parts I don’t want revealed. In throwing back the drapes there may be so much uncovered that I will be left standing in the town square naked and so will he. Why would we want to be so vulnerable?
In my desperation to find out more about what really happened in Holden’s life the last year or so and to continue my relationship with him on some ethereal molecular level, I beg for dreams where he will explain it all to me, call almost every contact in his phone directory, message his Facebook ‘friends’, talk to his actual friends, book a visit with his shrink, have lunch with his doctor and even consult mediums and clairvoyants. Some of these are very expensive exercises both monetarily and emotionally. Nobody has the answer. I’ll have to find it myself.
One of the psychics said during her trance that our angels (how I hate that word in the context of Holden, I can almost hear him laughing cynically and saying “angels schmangels.”) often communicate with us using symbols. She told me that Holden will let me know he is with me and that I am on the right path by placing dimes and/or white feathers in places for me to find them. I find a dime in the bottom of the kitchen sink while I am up to my elbows in hot soapy water. I find a dime under the Christmas tree. I find dimes in my pockets all the time. Never quarters or nickels, or even loonies, which would be appreciated. The woman didn’t know Holden had the majestic Bluenose tattooed on his forearm. I also find white downy feathers. On hiking trails, rolled in my yoga mat, in my hair and more often than not between my feet when I looked down. Every time I see one I say, “Hi Honey, I miss you. I love you. How are you? Please tell me about how you are and what you’re learning?” Come to think of it, these are pretty much the same things I used say to him while he was alive.
I talk to Holden inside my head. When I am out walking or lying quietly in bed I tell him about things and ask him about his new situation. I begin to ask Holden if it would be ok with him that I write about him publicly. If he thinks that by telling his story, or at least my interpretation of some of the things that happened in his life, a greater understanding of his humanness and all of our humannesses might be found. Will there be people who can relate to him and his experience here. Will hearing his story help them to feel less alone and maybe more understood? Is there any benefit at all in dragging out all the laundry and hanging it on the line? If I am to do this, I need his permission.
I was a broadcaster for all of Holden’s childhood and would often tell little stories and anecdotes about him as a way of connecting with my radio morning show audience who also had children. He was a very entertaining child and provided great material. Many listeners commented that they enjoyed hearing about little Holden’s quirky ways and how he was growing up. As Holden got older and more self aware he asked me to stop talking about him on the show without first asking for permission. It bothered him and made him feel betrayed if I used his personal foibles to entertain my audience. He was nobody’s ‘material.’ When he was 17 he asked me to stop talking about him completely.
So, it is a hard question to answer. Will it be alight to talk about him now? Now that he isn’t around to clarify or defend himself? I tell Holden that I will have to be completely honest about his struggles with his mental health, his drug use and some of his more dangerous choices if this book is to be at all meaningful. Is he open to the idea of me sweeping every speck out from under our beds? I wait for an answer. None comes. Nothing definitive anyway. I walk and read and meditated an bore myself shitless with Netflix and keep asking. Crickets. So I stay in bed for months and his story clouds my every waking moment.
One day I receive an email reminder that The Catcher in the Rye is due back at the library. I had forgotten all about it. I notice the book lying in the corner where it had landed weeks before, wedged up against the wall, in no hurry. The famous story of the other lost Holden who so many troubled souls saw themselves in.
I slump down onto our bed, stretch my arm out, grab the book and lift it from the floor. Where had I left off reading the night my husband had accused me of torturing myself? I thumb through the pages, past scenes of the Holden Caufield I can so vividly picture. Holden in his dorm room, Holden riding in a cab, Holden sitting in a dark bar with some questionable females, Holden in his red hunting hat, Holden trying to ice-skate and impress a date at Rockefeller Plaza…I had read them all.
Then I find it. Mid-chapter, the place I had surrendered. Page 151. Tucked quietly in the seam of the book, its pages yellowing with the years, patiently waiting for me, a fine, pure white feather.
Sherida
You are teaching me to be grateful for every day with my son even when I’m annoyed at him. Like today when he accidentally broke my favorite sushi platter and drove my new car with the parking brake on. I’m grateful for these lessons in seeing the big picture. I wish you peace, Tara. And I say, yeah you should write about him. He’s able to see the big picture now too.
Tara McGuire
Thank you Sherida,
I’d be pissed too if someone broke my fave sushi platter. But not for very long.
xx ~ t
Lauren
This was so beautiful, Tara. Thank you. You must write the book; it will heal, and inspire all who read it. You are an amazing writer with a story to tell. Sending lots of love, Lauren
Tara McGuire
Thank you Lauren. I hope it’s in me somewhere. But first I have to find my glasses.
xx ~ t
Jayne Tellier
Every time I have the honour & privilege of reading your posts Tara, I am gobsmacked with the clarity of your writing – how gifted you are in expressing your heartfelt vulnerability & love for your son. My heart aches for you. Trust your love & the feather – you are a beautiful soul & the world is a better place with your writing in it. xoxo
Regina Challoner
Your writing, and your heart, take my breath away
Linda Dewitt
As always Tara, beautifully written. You are a very strong woman, thank you for putting your thoughts, words and stories on paper and sharing them with us. You may not know it, although I’m sure you do, your words touch every single person who reads them. We all take something away from your writing and it touches emotions and feelings so deep down it’s sometimes scarey. But nevertheless it makes us feel and sometimes we go through our days and forget to feel! So thank you Tara?
Tara McGuire
Wow Linda, thank you very much and you are welcome. The feeling is a tough thing, much easier to avoid, but I think it’s the richest place to be.
x ~ t
Amy
I have no answers for you… but I so appreciate you allowing me to follow along while you search for those answers. xoxo
Tara McGuire
We are all doing the same thing aren’t we Amy. Just trying to figure this shit out.
Love to you and your fam,
x t
Cindy
Tara, Your writing is incredible. I can taste, touch and feel everything. My heart aches with you. I am touched by your courage to stand in your shadow places and shine your light of awareness there. I feel honoured to be a witness through your pages. Know we are all listening and feeling with you. Love to you always, Cindy
Tara McGuire
Thank you Cindy. I always appreciate your encouragement. You understand how much of a struggle it is to create something from scratch. There is beauty in the work too. Or maybe that’s all the beauty there is. The work.
~ t
Kyla
Oh Tara!
As a would be writer I envy your ability to tell your story so eloquently. As a mom I try not to cry and as a reader I thank you for being so open about the pain and loss. I wish we your readers could give as much back to you. Please consider yourself hugged.
Tara McGuire
Hug received. Thank you Kyla.
Lisa Bull
Tara – I don’t have the words to express how your words impact me. But you do – have the words, that is. You have a beautiful gift for sharing feelings that are good, and bad and utterly heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing your heart and whatever you choose to write about in the future know that you’re surrounded by people who will hear and hold your stories and Holden’s stories with love and respect
Tara McGuire
Hi Lisa,
Thank you for mentioning respect. I think that’s exactly what i am looking for. As a continued act of mothering I am still trying to protect and mould my son. Only now it’s his reputation and his truth. I’m trying to honour him and keep on loving him.
I thank you for seeing that.
xx ~ t
Judith ogden
Tara you write so well and I do believe this will help somewhat with the healing process. I knew Holden as a young boy such a sweet gentle soul. I was heartbroken for you when I found out. My love ❤️ sent your way. Such a brave woman you are.
Jen Curleigh
Hey Tara- wow. Your vulnerability in that piece is palpable. Keep writing. He’s there with you. Love you.
Lianne
Tara, what can I say? This post is beautiful & has taken my breath away. I cannot wait to see where the dimes & feathers take you.
xx
Scott Woodgate
Tara…
What a glorious gift you have. I hung on every sentence. I was interrupted whilst writing this note and what was sitting beside my ringing phone? A dime. Heads up, with The Bluenose in full sail. Thank you for taking us on your journey.
Scott
Linda Dinsmore
Tara,
As difficult as it may be to write his story, it would be a tribute to him and his journey. Your posts resonate so much with me as I had listened to you for years on the radio and our sons are the same age so every time you talked about him, I would laugh and shake my head knowing that I wasn’t alone in how they act.
I remember about 4 years ago when he was moving out and you asked your listeners if a frying pan would be an appropriate house warming gift. I replied with yes, but fill it with expensive foods like ham, cheese, eggs so they weren’t always eating boxed macaroni !
Thank you for your stories, you have made me so aware to be appreciative of what we have.
Dale Ridington
I’m so moved by your writing in which you paint pictures with words…just like your son but with a different medium. I’m so sorry for your loss. I knew you BC up the mountain and lived in Pemberton Heights until we moved up the hill to my old family home. I had heard of your son’s passing but had not put 2 and 2 together until Jody posted one of your stories. Keep on writing and looking for dimes and feathers.
Mary Mccafferty
Tara my heart aches for you every time I think of your loss of Holden nothing can compare to the loss of your child you are doing an an amazing job of your writing with so much heartbreak and the grief of your loss Stay strong xxx
Louise Hivon
I used to be a runner, Tara, but an injury put a stop to that. All the while though, I would see bright, shiny dimes. My girlfriend found pennies and called them pennies from heaven. After each run she would write down where she found the penny and I would put the dime in my pocket, thanking God for thinking about me. I’ve not found a dime in a long time…had foot surgery at Christmas to try and fix the running injury. Last week I went for lunch with a friend and when we went back to her vehicle, there was the brightest, shiniest dime I’ve ever seen, waiting for me. I know it wasn’t there when we parked. I put it in my pocket and silently said “thank you for thinking about me”. I wonder now, if Holden ever spent time in Penticton? I will forever think of your beautiful son each time I pick up a shiny, bright dime and thank him for letting me know that Holden is okay.
Robert Meachen
Very poignant and wonderfully written soliloquy to your son. When does grief really end? Never! It just finds a place in your heart and eventually finds some peace. I am a father and grandfather and the thought of anything like this experience in my life terrifies me as it does every parent. We are fortunate that our kids grew up and managed to avoid the pitfalls of this world of temptation and easy choices. Life seems to be setting more “traps” and hurdles for new generations and the numbers are insane in terms of loss. The sadness that follows for all the loved ones left behind is so heartbreaking that it becomes too difficult to even discuss or contemplate but that is exactly what is needed in families across this land. Our thoughts are with you today although we have never met, we are all the parents of Holden in spirit and fellowship.
Tara McGuire
Hello Robert,
Thank you for taking the time to comment on my essay. I really appreciate you saying that ‘we are all the parents of Holden’ because we are all just human beings doing out best. I did and he did too. Your note is so compassionate it made me smile and cry at the same time. Not hard to do but you are very kind and I am grateful.
And you are right, grief never really ends.
My best,
Tara
Cherie Saunders
Hello Tara,
I lost my son Mark to an overdose of cocaine and fentonal on Sept. 5, 2017. Your writing touches my heart as not many people really understand the pain of losing a child. Mark was 26 years old. He was a beautiful, charismatic young boy. He was the life of the party and had a smile that would light up the room. But he was haunted by low self-esteem. Mark is the youngest of 3 children and had lived on his own since he was 21. He had so much going for him, but it wasn’t enough. He chose a path in life that led to his death. I still cannot over the grief of thinking I should have done more. …