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An Unexpected Light

My friend Andrew can no longer speak.  So how is it that he is able to tell me so many things? Twice a week or so we go out for a walk together and not a word passes from his lips.  Still, he has taught me an enormous amount about acceptance and grace.  Andrew is the perfect companion at the moment.  Silent and steadfast.  We stroll and often, as happens most days lately, a wave of anguish rises and I cry.   Some days we just walk quietly and some days I tell him my sorrows.  Once in a while I ask him the questions that gerbil around obsessively in my head.  Mostly the ‘why?’ and ‘what if?’ questions.   You know the ones.  He listens intently and never comments.  He can’t, but that is not the point.  This is exactly what I need.  There is no awkwardness, no advice or sympathy.  There is no answer.  Just that firm, solid grip of his big hand around mine and the steady cadence of one foot being laboriously placed in front of the other.  We carry on.  We have no choice the two of us. Continue Reading →

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I Don’t Want to Talk to You

i don’t want to talk to you
if i talk to you it hurts too much
stings and punches
makes all of this real
but oh, it must be real
or you wouldn’t be here
at my door
with flowers
and that look in your eyes
mournful and scared
awkward yet brave in your very arrival
you wouldn’t wear that expression
of twisted confusion
and wretched anguish

all the gushing feelings you can’t possibly articulate
right now
maybe ever
are there in your quivering chin
pressed lips
eyes damp with crimson

you don’t know what to say
and i don’t either
but you try
bless you
you try

with cards and letters
needed nourishment for body and soul
feeding the troops who arrive embattled

grappling offers of  anything i can do
you try
to poke holes in the thick blackness
cultivate a glimmer of light
with calls not answered
messages not returned
you try
with love
to plaster the shattering cracks invisible
bless you for it
and forever thank you

thank you
because there is nothing else to do
when the only thing i really want

is impossible.